A Response to pastors who counsel women to help their porn-using husbands avoid porn by being more sexually available.
Anxiety can be debilitating, causing a lack of focus and the inability to function. Learn how to deal with it in this informative post.
Posted on September 13, 2017 When we experience negative and life-changing events, often traumatic memories haunt our minds . These memories can be so powerful that they run the show. They dictate how we feel, what we think, and even what we do most of the time. Since you’re reading this, chances are you have experienced a traumatic and life-changing event. Perhaps you can’t stop your thoughts from replaying this event or situations surrounding it over and over. Besides feeling intense stress and anxiety, these traumatic memories are making it hard to focus or get anything done. Household chores are increasingly becoming more difficult to accomplish. Work… well, work is the epitome of “going through the motions.” Is it possible to bring some function back to your daily life? Yes. There is a way to reclaim your life, and it can be easier than you think. Consider the following benefits of EMDR in reclaiming your life from traumatic memories. What Is EMDR? Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) has been used in therapy for the past twenty years. It primarily helps trauma victims face the past and work through their traumatic experience. You might be wondering how moving your eyes a certain way during a therapy session could help do anything. But, it does. How Does EMDR Work? During an EMDR session, your therapist will have you quickly look back and forth with your eyes. It might help you to imagine what your eyes would do if you were watching a professional ping-pong match. Back and forth, back and forth. You will be prompted to recall one of your traumatic memories while you are moving your eyes. The combination of the eye movement along with recalling your traumatic memories evokes a type of reorganizing in your brain. In short, this eye movement/memory recall coupling sends your brain a message not to panic or feel anxious. In turn, this calming message enables you not to feel the same level of hurt, fear, or pain while experiencing one of your traumatic memories. Does EMDR Make You Forget Traumatic Memories? EMDR doesn’t make you forget your traumatic memories altogether. Like any other chapter in your life, you will always carry those with you. However, it does distance them from your heart, per se, so you don’t feel so incredibly intense when one crosses your mind. Since EMDR redirects your brain to process the trauma rather than simply focusing on the traumatic image, your traumatic memories do not have to affect you negatively or control you like they have been. The thing about mental images is that they possess a lot of energy. Traumatic mental images possess even more energy than most. As you can imagine, this energy is negative—full of pain, hurt, fear, and despair. Traumatic memories can have such a hold on you and your life. How Does EMDR Help You to Reclaim Your Life? When powerful mental images and their accompanying negative energy are in the driver’s seat, you are simply along for the ride. This ride is more like a scary roller coaster rather than a peaceful hike on horseback, though. The feeling of losing control is fairly common. This is no way to live. EMDR helps you to reclaim your life by reducing the stress brought on by traumatic memories. Healing from the past and living a fulfilling life is the aim of most people—trauma victims especially. Traumatic memories get in the way of this. With memories causing you such stress, it’s hard to move past the traumatic event and heal. EMDR helps to distance your traumatic memories from your emotions so that you can process the event and embrace healing. Once these memories no longer have control of your thoughts or emotions and have taken a back seat in your life, you can finally heal and move on to live a full and rewarding life.
Posted on July 25, 2017 After Betrayal: How to Be Aware of Related PTSD Symptoms Does it seem like your life after betrayal has been turned upside down? You don’t feel like yourself but aren’t quite sure what’s going on. When someone close to you betrays your trust, it can be traumatic. It can leave you with an array of both physical and emotional symptoms much like people experience after having faced a life-threatening situation. These symptoms reflect a mental health condition known as PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Commonly pegged as the battlefield that continues after war, it’s no longer dedicated strictly to the military. PTSD can afflict anyone recovering from a traumatic event—even you. How can you know if you may be experiencing PTSD due to betrayal? Start Slowly After betrayal, wrapping your head around all that you’ve been through can be immensely difficult. Still, do your best to examine your current condition. It will probably serve you as a welcomed distraction. Start slowly and start with the easiest to identify—your body. Your physical symptoms are tangible. In fact, they’ll probably stick out to you like a sore thumb. You can start with keeping a journal of how you feel from day to day. Doing this will help you identify any symptoms that could be related to your traumatic experience. Physical Symptoms Some common physical symptoms related to PTSD include: Insomnia or nightmares (often about details of the betrayal) Chronic upset stomach Tightness or burning in chest Muscle aches Headaches or migraines General feeling of pain throughout body Changes in appetite (increase or loss) Also, I should categorize substance abuse on this list. Some people can easily overlook it as a socially acceptable way to cope. Take stock in what you’re putting into your body. For instance, are you drinking more alcohol or taking more pain pills than you were before the betrayal? Are illegal drugs now a part of your life? It’s important to remember that the entirety of who you are—body, soul, and mind—work closely together. When one part of you is off-kilter, the rest of you will reflect this imbalance. In short, paying close attention to your body is a reliable way to gauge what’s going on a little deeper inside. Emotional Symptoms After betrayal, your emotions might feel shattered. It’s safe to say that you have a broken heart. Experiencing PTSD symptoms because of a broken heart might seem far-fetched. Yet, the two are more closely related than you may know. Feelings of anger, sadness, and grief are normal after betrayal. Though, PTSD brings on even more intense feelings. Such feelings include: Hopelessness Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy Depression Prolonged sadness Feelings of extreme mistrust Anxiety or panic attacks Emptiness or numbness It can seem difficult to tell the difference between PTSD and general upset from learning of the betrayal. One important indicator that you’re dealing with more complex emotions is the length of time they stick around. Although highly unpleasant, the typical emotions you feel after betrayal tend to fade away as your heart heals. When PTSD is at work, you don’t find a reprieve in the fading. In short, your negative emotions don’t fade away when you suffer from PTSD. Mental Symptoms Like mentioned before, your world could feel completely upside down after learning of the betrayal. You may have lost trust in someone you previously thought you could trust implicitly. Unfortunately, something like this doesn’t leave your mind and thoughts untouched. After betrayal, it’s normal to have a negative perception. Like emotional pain, this too should gradually fade away as you recover. PTSD doesn’t let go that easily, though. Following are some symptoms to be aware of that negatively affect your mind. Again, watch out for them over a longer period of time (at least a month and often longer). Panic attacks Fearful of the world around you Highly distracted Unable to focus at work, home, or school Not able to function socially like your pre-betrayal self Suicidal thoughts Paranoia or hypervigilance If you’ve identified PTSD symptoms within yourself as you read this post, then it’s time to seek professional help. PTSD might seem incredibly intimidating because of stories you’ve heard on the news. The truth is that it is a big deal, but it’s not so big a deal that a professional therapist can’t help you through it. Life after betrayal can bring an onslaught of complex emotions. You can recover and heal. Contact a trusted therapist to help you reclaim your life.
Posted on August 21, 2017 Have you recently experienced a significant loss? Maybe it was the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship. You might have even lost your job. No matter the loss, it was a huge blow to you. Since this experience, your mind may become overactive. Your racing thoughts feel out of control…or rather like they’re in full control of you. In fact, when you start to feel anxious, your breathing becomes labored. Sometimes you have a pain in your chest and feel tension in your muscles. Other times, you feel an overall horribly heavy feeling that just won’t leave. What can you do? Take Time for Yourself Moving forward from a significant loss is not an easy process. It’s not even a neat and clean process. It is, however, very possible to recover from a loss. The most important thing is that you have to allow yourself time to grieve. Grief counselor, Megan Devine, Huffington Post, 2013, said, “Kubler-Ross identified five common experiences, not five required experiences. Her stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) were meant to normalize and validate what someone might experience in loss and grief.” According to Patrick O’Malley, Getting Grief Right, 2017, “Everyone’s grief is different, but it’s safe to say there is no finish line.” So you might find yourself running in emotional circles which manifest themselves in your mind as racing thoughts and anxiety. This is normal. There is no right or wrong way to experience your grief. The most important thing is that you acknowledge how you feel about your loss. Improper Grieving Invites Anxiety It’s common to put on a brave face when you’re experiencing a big loss. You might be the pillar in your family. Others depend on you to be strong for them. When you choose not to mourn your loss but rather put on a brave face, you’re suppressing grief. Unfortunately, grief doesn’t work that way. The more you try to suppress your emotions, the worse your anxiety often takes over. In short, not allowing yourself to grieve properly is like giving anxiety the key to your mind to let racing thoughts have free reign. In doing this, you might even experience panic attacks. After a loss, you have to bend a little. You can still be the strong pillar that you want to be. Instead of rigid stone, though, imagine a pillar of wood. It’s flexible and sways with the wind, but it doesn’t break. That can be you as you grieve. You can bend under the pressure of external forces, but can you still remain standing upright. Dependency Can Cause Racing Thoughts No matter what you recently lost, you might have depended heavily on it. Losing something or someone you depended upon will frequently cause panic and anxiety. For instance, you may have lost your job or lost the loved one that provided financially for you. Now you are left to fend without that arrangement. That thought alone is enough to send racing thoughts of fear barreling through your mind. You may feel like you’re about to lose control because you have no idea how you will pay your bills at this point. Not only did you lose something that you care about but you lost your peace of mind. Blurred visions, a racing heart, and night sweats may be a few of the unfriendly symptoms of the aftermath of your loss. You might feel like you’re scrambling to make ends meet and don’t have time for anything else—not even grieving. Thus, the cruel partnership of physical symptoms and anxiety gets stronger. Internalized Fears Welcome Anxiety Losing a loved one especially can cause you to internalize your fears. Fear of death or even dreading your own demise are fairly common thoughts after a memorial. In losing your job or a special relationship, you may constantly be battling the fear of failing in life. You may be fighting the thought that you aren’t good enough or that it’s too late for you to make something of yourself. Maybe you want to make your deceased loved one proud, prove your co-workers wrong, or even make your ex realize what he or she is missing. It’s easy to internalize fears like this. Instead of living on the offense, you choose to live on the defense. The downfall in all these racing thoughts is that you give fear the reigns in your life. Rather than truly living, you’re just trying to prove to yourself and others that you’re good enough. Overcoming Racing Thoughts It difficult to experience a significant loss only to feel anxiety and then battle racing thoughts on top of it. In looking for a reprieve from the complications that arise from a loss, turn to a professional. I can help you navigate through your grief and manage your racing thoughts. Together, we can examine the symptoms you may be experiencing in your body and trace them back to your anxiety or emotional triggers. Happiness and wholeness are within your grasp. Take the first step in reclaiming your life and talk to a therapist today.
Posted on June 28, 2017 What did she have that I didn’t? How could she have chosen him over me? Often, those are the questions a person may ask when their relationship has been devastated because of their spouse’s infidelity. Perhaps your relationship/marriage is on the brink of being destroyed right now? If so, you’re probably feeling very unprepared for it all. But then, how does anyone prepare for the hurt, anger, and sleepless nights anyway? The answer is: there is no prep course for this. There may not even be an explanation for it. Or could it be that your partner’s addiction to porn had something to do with it? The Destruction and Realization Your partner’s choices have undoubtedly altered your relationship and also damaged your self-esteem. There are many days when you most likely don’t even feel like yourself. The flirting, the lies, the compulsive use of pornography – you have grown to despise it all. And you’re angry because you feel that these elements have played a role in the destruction of your relationship. Your anger is justified. Studies have shown that there is a strong connection between exposure to pornography and infidelity. But even before your spouse cheated, you may have had to already fight a lot of negative and self-disparaging thoughts throughout the decline of your relationship. “My spouse doesn’t want me anymore.” Commonly believed to add “spice” to one’s sexual experiences, porn is widely misconstrued. In fact, it’s counterproductive. Not only does it take away from its viewer’s sexual experience, but it also considerably decreases sexual satisfaction. The problem your spouse’s habit created started to greatly affect you as well. In time, you may have noticed that your partner had trouble with arousal. These issues can quickly chip away at one’s confidence level and sexuality. Most likely, you’re now experiencing less confidence and confusion about your sexuality. It’s no surprise that you often feel rejected and undesirable. You thought you were the problem, but you weren’t! It wasn’t your looks, personality, or sexual performance that influenced your spouse. It was your spouse’s compulsive porn viewing! And now, it has become painfully evident how the effects of their addiction to pornography had slowly but surely trickled down to you. “We’re no longer close.” As well as decreased sexual satisfaction, porn viewers experience a decline in intimacy. Intimacy is that special feeling of closeness a couple shares. While intimacy is frequently coupled with sexual intercourse, it goes beyond that. Sadly, the effects of porn viewing quickly destroy this shared feeling of trust. You may have caught your spouse secretly watching porn and self-stimulating. The feelings of rejection and confusion may have been very intense. You felt like you could no longer trust your spouse. The fact is, porn reduces intimacy and sex to mere actions and genitalia. It decreases a human from a real person down to sex organs because that’s the focus of the videos. When a couple in a healthy relationship makes love, it encompasses so much more than bodies. After exposure to porn, it’s often all reduced to a matter of going through the motions when having sex. And it’s not at all uncommon for a porn viewer to have difficulty reaching orgasm because of this. In fact, some can only climax when thinking of pornographic images. How often you may have longed for true intimacy – so much more than sex. But it was hard to feel like anything more than a sexual object with the poison of porn twisting the beauty of your sex life. “I’m no match for those ‘greener pastures.’” The characters on television—porn included—are typically no match for the everyday person. With airbrushed this and that, everything is represented perfectly. Furthermore, porn is a constant reminder of the potential partners one could have. Whether or not the “real thing” is identical to the porn characters doesn’t matter. It creates mental fantasies that become addicting. This in itself lowers the commitment level of your spouse toward you. The idea of you being jealous of your partner’s porn characters holds validity. The more porn they viewed, the more likely they were to engage in flirtatious behavior. Even more than relationship dissatisfaction, the idea of another sexual partner could have been motivation enough to your spouse to have looked for “greener pastures.” Recovery and Healing Rebuilding a devastated relationship because of a porn addiction can be a big challenge. The good news is that it’s possible if you want to take that step. So, if you’re looking for guidance and support in this process, I’m here to help. I can provide a caring and compassionate environment for you to start on your path to understanding and healing. Please contact me to learn more about my holistic and integrative approach.
