A Response to pastors who counsel women to help their porn-using husbands avoid porn by being more sexually available.
Anxiety can be debilitating, causing a lack of focus and the inability to function. Learn how to deal with it in this informative post.
Posted on October 13, 2017 Anxiety might seem like a harmless little word to some people. But if you’re battling anxiety, dealing with heart palpitations, or even struggling to control racing thoughts, you know anxiety is anything but benign. Here’s the thing, though. It doesn’t have to rule your life. Although it’s not always possible to avoid stress, you can learn to manage it better and lessen its impact on you. Admit it. The idea of life without all the symptoms of anxiety sounds pretty great, doesn’t it? Following are five tips that will help you control racing thoughts and say goodbye to those nasty heart palpitations. 1. Deep Breathing Techniques The very first thing you need to stock in your arsenal against anxiety is a deep breathing technique. Inhale slowly through your nose or through your lips like your sipping from a straw. Fill your lungs completely. Some people like to hold this deep breath for a few seconds before releasing the air slowly. Repeat for several minutes. Deep breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which deactivates the “fight or flight” response. In short, it tells your body that there is no need for panic mode. 2. Make A List Although your brain is not technically filled to capacity, it can sure feel like it is when you struggle with anxiety. Most likely your thoughts are a mental to-do list or a whirlwind of concerns. Rather than trying to remember all the things you need to get done, try writing them down. Throw yourself a bone and free up your headspace. By getting them out of your brain and onto paper, you’ll find that it’s easier to control racing thoughts. Journaling is an excellent outlet, as well. Even writing down a few sentences about your concerns helps to calm worries. 3. Live In the Present Living in the present seems like it would come naturally. When you’re trying to control racing thoughts, though, living in the present has to become deliberate. You’ve probably noticed that thoughts have a tendency to get stuck on replay. You might worry about conversations that have already happened or worry about the what-ifs of the future. These patterns only invite anxiety. Shortness of breath and heart palpitations usually aren’t far behind. By living in the present, you can stop these downward spirals before they start. It’s easy, too! You can always anchor yourself in the moment by deep breathing. Also, be especially aware of your surroundings for a few moments. What do you hear, see, smell, taste, etc? You’ll be surprised how effective grounding techniques can really be. 4. Surrender Control Anxiety often stems from the need to feel in control of a situation. This doesn’t make you a control freak. It does, however, make you susceptible to anxious feelings simply because you aren’t always able to control life. It’s hard to accept and understand that life is often uncontrollable. Sometimes it’s even harder to know what you can and can’t control. In these moments, recite a mantra or even a positive quote surrounding the fact that you can’t always control life. A few simple words said aloud can help your brain surrender the need for control. 5. Shift Your Attention Another way to control racing thoughts is to sidetrack your brain. Ruminating is harmful to your mental state but so difficult to stop. Much like a broken record player, thinking about something over and over can drive you into a state of frenzy. Most people don’t have success at forcing themselves to stop thinking about something. You’ve got to trick your brain, per se. Choose something in your environment that you can think about—the trees swaying, the sound of your computer tapping, or even how it feels to do the deep breathing exercise. Focus on that one thing for a few minutes. This simple interruption can speak volumes to your brain and help you control racing thoughts. Like mentioned before, anxiety absolutely does not have to rule your life. By implementing these five tips, you can invite calmness and peace into your life. For more help in finding ways to battle anxiety in your own life, please contact me. I’d be happy to help you strategize a personalized way for you to manage anxiety and help you live a more satisfying life.
Posted on September 13, 2017 When we experience negative and life-changing events, often traumatic memories haunt our minds . These memories can be so powerful that they run the show. They dictate how we feel, what we think, and even what we do most of the time. Since you’re reading this, chances are you have experienced a traumatic and life-changing event. Perhaps you can’t stop your thoughts from replaying this event or situations surrounding it over and over. Besides feeling intense stress and anxiety, these traumatic memories are making it hard to focus or get anything done. Household chores are increasingly becoming more difficult to accomplish. Work… well, work is the epitome of “going through the motions.” Is it possible to bring some function back to your daily life? Yes. There is a way to reclaim your life, and it can be easier than you think. Consider the following benefits of EMDR in reclaiming your life from traumatic memories. What Is EMDR? Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) has been used in therapy for the past twenty years. It primarily helps trauma victims face the past and work through their traumatic experience. You might be wondering how moving your eyes a certain way during a therapy session could help do anything. But, it does. How Does EMDR Work? During an EMDR session, your therapist will have you quickly look back and forth with your eyes. It might help you to imagine what your eyes would do if you were watching a professional ping-pong match. Back and forth, back and forth. You will be prompted to recall one of your traumatic memories while you are moving your eyes. The combination of the eye movement along with recalling your traumatic memories evokes a type of reorganizing in your brain. In short, this eye movement/memory recall coupling sends your brain a message not to panic or feel anxious. In turn, this calming message enables you not to feel the same level of hurt, fear, or pain while experiencing one of your traumatic memories. Does EMDR Make You Forget Traumatic Memories? EMDR doesn’t make you forget your traumatic memories altogether. Like any other chapter in your life, you will always carry those with you. However, it does distance them from your heart, per se, so you don’t feel so incredibly intense when one crosses your mind. Since EMDR redirects your brain to process the trauma rather than simply focusing on the traumatic image, your traumatic memories do not have to affect you negatively or control you like they have been. The thing about mental images is that they possess a lot of energy. Traumatic mental images possess even more energy than most. As you can imagine, this energy is negative—full of pain, hurt, fear, and despair. Traumatic memories can have such a hold on you and your life. How Does EMDR Help You to Reclaim Your Life? When powerful mental images and their accompanying negative energy are in the driver’s seat, you are simply along for the ride. This ride is more like a scary roller coaster rather than a peaceful hike on horseback, though. The feeling of losing control is fairly common. This is no way to live. EMDR helps you to reclaim your life by reducing the stress brought on by traumatic memories. Healing from the past and living a fulfilling life is the aim of most people—trauma victims especially. Traumatic memories get in the way of this. With memories causing you such stress, it’s hard to move past the traumatic event and heal. EMDR helps to distance your traumatic memories from your emotions so that you can process the event and embrace healing. Once these memories no longer have control of your thoughts or emotions and have taken a back seat in your life, you can finally heal and move on to live a full and rewarding life.
Posted on July 25, 2017 After Betrayal: How to Be Aware of Related PTSD Symptoms Does it seem like your life after betrayal has been turned upside down? You don’t feel like yourself but aren’t quite sure what’s going on. When someone close to you betrays your trust, it can be traumatic. It can leave you with an array of both physical and emotional symptoms much like people experience after having faced a life-threatening situation. These symptoms reflect a mental health condition known as PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Commonly pegged as the battlefield that continues after war, it’s no longer dedicated strictly to the military. PTSD can afflict anyone recovering from a traumatic event—even you. How can you know if you may be experiencing PTSD due to betrayal? Start Slowly After betrayal, wrapping your head around all that you’ve been through can be immensely difficult. Still, do your best to examine your current condition. It will probably serve you as a welcomed distraction. Start slowly and start with the easiest to identify—your body. Your physical symptoms are tangible. In fact, they’ll probably stick out to you like a sore thumb. You can start with keeping a journal of how you feel from day to day. Doing this will help you identify any symptoms that could be related to your traumatic experience. Physical Symptoms Some common physical symptoms related to PTSD include: Insomnia or nightmares (often about details of the betrayal) Chronic upset stomach Tightness or burning in chest Muscle aches Headaches or migraines General feeling of pain throughout body Changes in appetite (increase or loss) Also, I should categorize substance abuse on this list. Some people can easily overlook it as a socially acceptable way to cope. Take stock in what you’re putting into your body. For instance, are you drinking more alcohol or taking more pain pills than you were before the betrayal? Are illegal drugs now a part of your life? It’s important to remember that the entirety of who you are—body, soul, and mind—work closely together. When one part of you is off-kilter, the rest of you will reflect this imbalance. In short, paying close attention to your body is a reliable way to gauge what’s going on a little deeper inside. Emotional Symptoms After betrayal, your emotions might feel shattered. It’s safe to say that you have a broken heart. Experiencing PTSD symptoms because of a broken heart might seem far-fetched. Yet, the two are more closely related than you may know. Feelings of anger, sadness, and grief are normal after betrayal. Though, PTSD brings on even more intense feelings. Such feelings include: Hopelessness Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy Depression Prolonged sadness Feelings of extreme mistrust Anxiety or panic attacks Emptiness or numbness It can seem difficult to tell the difference between PTSD and general upset from learning of the betrayal. One important indicator that you’re dealing with more complex emotions is the length of time they stick around. Although highly unpleasant, the typical emotions you feel after betrayal tend to fade away as your heart heals. When PTSD is at work, you don’t find a reprieve in the fading. In short, your negative emotions don’t fade away when you suffer from PTSD. Mental Symptoms Like mentioned before, your world could feel completely upside down after learning of the betrayal. You may have lost trust in someone you previously thought you could trust implicitly. Unfortunately, something like this doesn’t leave your mind and thoughts untouched. After betrayal, it’s normal to have a negative perception. Like emotional pain, this too should gradually fade away as you recover. PTSD doesn’t let go that easily, though. Following are some symptoms to be aware of that negatively affect your mind. Again, watch out for them over a longer period of time (at least a month and often longer). Panic attacks Fearful of the world around you Highly distracted Unable to focus at work, home, or school Not able to function socially like your pre-betrayal self Suicidal thoughts Paranoia or hypervigilance If you’ve identified PTSD symptoms within yourself as you read this post, then it’s time to seek professional help. PTSD might seem incredibly intimidating because of stories you’ve heard on the news. The truth is that it is a big deal, but it’s not so big a deal that a professional therapist can’t help you through it. Life after betrayal can bring an onslaught of complex emotions. You can recover and heal. Contact a trusted therapist to help you reclaim your life.
Posted on June 28, 2017 What did she have that I didn’t? How could she have chosen him over me? Often, those are the questions a person may ask when their relationship has been devastated because of their spouse’s infidelity. Perhaps your relationship/marriage is on the brink of being destroyed right now? If so, you’re probably feeling very unprepared for it all. But then, how does anyone prepare for the hurt, anger, and sleepless nights anyway? The answer is: there is no prep course for this. There may not even be an explanation for it. Or could it be that your partner’s addiction to porn had something to do with it? The Destruction and Realization Your partner’s choices have undoubtedly altered your relationship and also damaged your self-esteem. There are many days when you most likely don’t even feel like yourself. The flirting, the lies, the compulsive use of pornography – you have grown to despise it all. And you’re angry because you feel that these elements have played a role in the destruction of your relationship. Your anger is justified. Studies have shown that there is a strong connection between exposure to pornography and infidelity. But even before your spouse cheated, you may have had to already fight a lot of negative and self-disparaging thoughts throughout the decline of your relationship. “My spouse doesn’t want me anymore.” Commonly believed to add “spice” to one’s sexual experiences, porn is widely misconstrued. In fact, it’s counterproductive. Not only does it take away from its viewer’s sexual experience, but it also considerably decreases sexual satisfaction. The problem your spouse’s habit created started to greatly affect you as well. In time, you may have noticed that your partner had trouble with arousal. These issues can quickly chip away at one’s confidence level and sexuality. Most likely, you’re now experiencing less confidence and confusion about your sexuality. It’s no surprise that you often feel rejected and undesirable. You thought you were the problem, but you weren’t! It wasn’t your looks, personality, or sexual performance that influenced your spouse. It was your spouse’s compulsive porn viewing! And now, it has become painfully evident how the effects of their addiction to pornography had slowly but surely trickled down to you. “We’re no longer close.” As well as decreased sexual satisfaction, porn viewers experience a decline in intimacy. Intimacy is that special feeling of closeness a couple shares. While intimacy is frequently coupled with sexual intercourse, it goes beyond that. Sadly, the effects of porn viewing quickly destroy this shared feeling of trust. You may have caught your spouse secretly watching porn and self-stimulating. The feelings of rejection and confusion may have been very intense. You felt like you could no longer trust your spouse. The fact is, porn reduces intimacy and sex to mere actions and genitalia. It decreases a human from a real person down to sex organs because that’s the focus of the videos. When a couple in a healthy relationship makes love, it encompasses so much more than bodies. After exposure to porn, it’s often all reduced to a matter of going through the motions when having sex. And it’s not at all uncommon for a porn viewer to have difficulty reaching orgasm because of this. In fact, some can only climax when thinking of pornographic images. How often you may have longed for true intimacy – so much more than sex. But it was hard to feel like anything more than a sexual object with the poison of porn twisting the beauty of your sex life. “I’m no match for those ‘greener pastures.’” The characters on television—porn included—are typically no match for the everyday person. With airbrushed this and that, everything is represented perfectly. Furthermore, porn is a constant reminder of the potential partners one could have. Whether or not the “real thing” is identical to the porn characters doesn’t matter. It creates mental fantasies that become addicting. This in itself lowers the commitment level of your spouse toward you. The idea of you being jealous of your partner’s porn characters holds validity. The more porn they viewed, the more likely they were to engage in flirtatious behavior. Even more than relationship dissatisfaction, the idea of another sexual partner could have been motivation enough to your spouse to have looked for “greener pastures.” Recovery and Healing Rebuilding a devastated relationship because of a porn addiction can be a big challenge. The good news is that it’s possible if you want to take that step. So, if you’re looking for guidance and support in this process, I’m here to help. I can provide a caring and compassionate environment for you to start on your path to understanding and healing. Please contact me to learn more about my holistic and integrative approach.
